Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Love and Loss * guest post *

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This is a guest post from my friend Cindy. She is having a tough time and could use some encouragement! Show her some love people :). 


I feel like I am going insane, seriously.  I also feel like I am a complete failure or like I am not who I should really be.  After many years of marriage and kids, I am sad to say that I understand why mothers leave their families in desperate times.  And I also understand how, after many years of marriage, when the kids are gone, couples split.  I am sad to understand these feelings.
We were married young, we had our kids right away.  Life was going well and then we had a child born who required/requires a lot of care and support.  I don’t regret any decisions we have made to date, and I have learned a lot about myself through this life.  I realized that I had always been this completely dependent girl, who relied on a spouse/parent/friend to always handle the situations that arose in my life. 
I was never able to support myself, I never went out of the house with friends, I just stayed home and did all that I had to do here.  I ended up on depression meds because I just couldn’t cope anymore.  They really scared me, they made me feel like I was a non-emotional robot who was just coasting through life.  I decided that wasn’t for me, so I stopped taking them. 
After our child with special needs was born, we had to change our whole action plan.  Our family took second place to that child’s needs.  Our other kids lost their parents for the better part of a year (and longer), and we, as a couple lost who we were.  Everything had to do with caring, in the best possible way, for our child to grow up not surrounded by the stigmas. And that is when I lost myself, but also found myself again.
After caring for this child, and learning new things, even becoming a nurse at times, I realized that I had a lot to offer the world.  I had been cooped up long enough and it was time for me to meet the world!  I went to school (I have always loved school), earned a certificate (in the top of the class) and started working in the field that I wanted to give back to.  I loved it and I still do. 
In this whole process, I have gained an amazing amount of confidence and have realized that I can be independent.  My life isn’t only being stuck at home.  I finally could contribute to my family’s needs and I could get out of the house.  Being home and dealing with the medical needs we had, I desperately needed to get out. 
Now, I am wanting to go out more and more.  I am wanting to have me time.  I am wanting to find me again.  Which has become an issue with my husband.  He is getting upset if I go out at night when he gets home.  He makes me feel bad when I want to do something for myself, even though we spend time dating as well.  All of a sudden I am confident in myself as a woman and I believe this is scaring him.  It is at the point where I am starting to lose that emotional attachment. 

How can I love someone who can make me feel like crap so easy?  How can I stand being in the same room with someone who can’t handle the idea of me not needing him?  How can I handle the constant checking he does on me?  Where I am at?  Who I am with? How can I continue to live my life pleasing someone else and losing myself, now that I have found myself? 
As I said, this makes me really sad.  I understand why people leave.  I understand the statistics surrounding divorce and special need parenting.  I don’t want to become a statistic, but I also don’t want to just exist in a relationship that has nothing to it anymore. 
I am sad.
-Cindy

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