I was messaging with my bloggy friend
SarcasticMom the other day. She had asked a very
insightful question on her blog about censoring ourselves in our writing that I have been thinking about ever since. She has also come up with a
brilliant idea that you can check out. Anyway, all this got me thinking about what the purpose of my blog is and why I blog and I had to admit that YES I DO censor myself a whole lot on this blog and that is not the way I want it to be.
I haven't always had to censor as much. I've always been careful to not talk about anything I wouldn't say in real life. There has been nothing on here that I wouldn't show people who know me in real life.
But after I shared
THIS and I wrote
THIS post, and
THIS other one, and
THIS one, and
HERE,
HERE, and
HERE.... I got into SO much trouble that every time I start to write something from my heart I stop and just put a lovely picture of my kids up instead. At one point I was sent unkind emails and I was even discussed at a meeting -without my husband or I present- about my blog being behaviour "unbecoming of a pastor's wife and misrepresenting the church". At this point I must say that I KNOW this is a minority of people. I know for sure that one person did his level best to defend me and tell them the conversation was inappropriate and that they should be talking to me. But he was ignored.
Apparently if I am honest it makes others look bad. They believe that my depression reflects poorly on Jesus and our financial struggles reflect poorly on the church. That's not true you know.
And as angry as that makes me and as much as I think their attitudes misrepresent Christ I love my husband I have been trying valiantly to keep my trap shut so he doesn't get in trouble.
The thing is I offered to talk to these people in person. I invited them to ask ME questions and tell ME their concerns. I even offered to take them through my blogging process, to show them how it works and who reads it etc. They didn't even respond to me. The simply had their hurtful meeting, sent their unkind emails and then carried on with their day. While leaving me in shambles.
I wonder how they would feel if there was a meeting discussing them or their wives at length and they were not allowed to attend. I bet they'd be mad. I bet they would point out how unbiblical it is to do that. I bet they would be filled with righteous indignation at how WRONG it is. But I guess since I am the pastor's wife it is ok to be cruel and unacceptable for my husband to be angry.
And yes, obviously I am going to get in trouble yet again about this post but at this point I don't really care. Bring it on. Because you know what? God is ok with me speaking honestly. I have not ever maligned anyones character, I have never used people's names, I have not named where we live or specifically what church we work for. In fact in ALL the posts where I got in trouble I was only talking about ME. Myself and I. My problems. My issues. My stress.
I can't continuously keep everything bottled up inside. It makes me physically ill. I am impatient with my husband. I am impatient with my children. I start to blame God for things that aren't His fault at all. This blog and my ability to share my heart and write out my feelings and get feedback from KIND people is what keeps me sane.
And so I will continue to be me. To share how I really feel. And yes, I totally agree I should not gossip about other people- on my blog or in my real life. I have not done so and I don't plan on starting. I have never claimed to be perfect and I state right out front that this blog is just about MY imperfect opinions and MY imperfect heart. Imperfect being the whole point.
So before you print this off and show it angrily to others, before you start talking about me behind my back under the guise of being concerned about my well being, before you start calling my husband with your anger... stop and ask yourself one thing- do you have that right? Is that ok with God? Because I bet the answer would be no. If you have a problem with me you can talk to ME about it. No one else. I have left the comments open to anonymous commenters so if you don't have the courage to talk to me openly then you can leave your comment on this post and I will never know who wrote it.
And for those of you not married to a pastor, to those of you who don't work in a church, please remember that your pastor and his wife are just human. They have feelings. Don't do anything to them that you wouldn't want done to yourself. That's not my rule. That's Jesus' rule.
How's that for speaking my heart?
