Monday, September 01, 2008

Labour day

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Shannon over at Rocks in My Dryer started this fun Labour day meme and I thought I would participate...


How long were your labours?

Aiden? About 3 months. Seriously. I went into labour at 26 weeks and pretty much stayed there. The last day though was 10 hours.

Owen- about a month... I went from 1 to 6 in 4 weeks and then 6 to 10 in the hospital in about 8 hours.

Olivia- 30 hours, 2 minute long contractions with 30 second breaks in between. It truly sucked.

How did you know you were in labour?

Aiden- went to the hospital (26 weeks) about a back pain that just wouldn't go away. They put the measure contractions belt thingy on me and I had this conversation

doctor-in-training (named Dr. DINGLE by the way): how long have you been having contractions?
Me: I haven't had any
doc: (watching monitor) feel that? That is a contraction.
Me : Oh , then I've been having them for about a week.

I was then admitted and given drugs to stop the labour. They were successful... except for the stopping the contractions thing. I had those constantly for the next 3 months. I finally figured out the nightmare was ending when my obstetrician said

best ob ever: well, we have your pre-eclampsia test back and you have to have this baby today.
(sticks arm halfway up my wahoo to "check" me) OH you're already at 4, head on over to labour and delivery. The time is now.

Me: well it is about damn time

Doug: we totally forgot to bring your bag today. Typical. We've had that stupid thing with us every day for 3 months and NOW we don't have it. Not even the camera.

(Did I mention our car was smooshed in a car accident a couple days before? ya. that sucked too. No, I wasn't in the car at the time but Doug did get a nice broken finger that I squeezed so hard during labour that he almost passed out. I was not sorry).

Owen: I just couldn't handle the pain anymore so I went to the hospital and told them if they made me go home and I ended up having the baby in the car in traffic I would sue them.

They let me stay. I had Owen a couple hours later.

Later they told me they were going to send me home because I "didn't look like I was in enough pain".

That made me want to kick the doctor-in-training in the crotch. Hard. I refrained. I am a pastor's wife after all.

Olivia: Drove 3 hours to my obstetrician appointment where he told me it was time to have my baby. He then "stripped my membranes" which was REALLY exceedingly painful. He then sent me to the hotel to labour. Jerk. He told me I could go to the hospital when the contractions were too difficult to speak through. 2 days later I went to the hospital to kill him. I was still stalled at 3. They gave me some horrendously evil "speed your labour up" drug that put me in more pain than any woman should ever have to endure. They wouldn't give me drugs. They kept suggesting warm baths. I wanted to kill them all. Finally after 30 hours of that torture I begged someone to "check" me and when she did she said "Oh, wow, you are at 6! Now we can send you to labour and delivery"
I had Olivia 15 minutes later.

Jerks.


Where did you deliver?

Aiden and Owen at McMaster University Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario.

Olivia in Saskatoon.

Drugs?

Aiden- yes. I said "I can't do this without drugs. I don't WANT to do this without drugs. Give me drugs." The first epidural didn't take but round two worked wonders. I told the anethesiologist I loved him. My husband was not impressed. I didn't care. I really DID love that drug dealer. Deeply. The drugs also came in very handy when I hemorahed after Aiden was born and I had 3 doctors with various apendages up my wahoo trying to make the bleeding stop while I passed out into sweet black oblivion.

Owen- yes. I walked into the hospital and said "Hi, my name is Tara. I'm in labour. I want my epidural now please". I just kept asking until they gave it to me. It was one of those "self administered" dealies and I had this converstion with my nurse

nurse: Ok, so let's do a practice push just to see if you are ready to go yet ok?

me: sure. whatever. I love my epidural. (push)

nurse: well look at that, there's his head (running to hallway, yelling "I need a doctor in here RIGHT NOW" )

nurse: DON'T PUSH (looking slightly panicky and running to hallway again)

me: um, I can feel this (pushing drug button rapidly)

doctor: (rushing in much to nurse's relief) ok, you can push

me: (push and watch in fascination as the doctor, student doctor and nurse all look in fascination where no one should be looking) what's going on?

nurse to doctor: the baby just turned around!

me: um, I can really feel this and I don't want to (pushing button again, harder this time)

doctor: congratulations it's a boy.

me: grinning as full effects of epidural button pushing hits me

Olivia: NO. NO. NO. dammit. I ASKED for drugs. I BEGGED for drugs. I PLEADED and CRIED and MOANED loudly. They kept telling me it would slow down my already painfully slow labour. I spent 30 freaking hours is PAINFUL freaking labour drug free. dammit. I'm still bitter.

In the labour and delivery suite I had this conversation

Me: I REALLY WANT AN EPIDURAL NOW!@*#@*!

Nurse: too late honey

Me: NO, it is NOT too late. I have been here for 2 DAYS! GIVE ME DRUGS!!!

Nurse: all that screaming will just give you a sore throat and me a headache so just shut up and have this baby

Me: I DON'T BELIEVE IN NATURAL CHILDBIRTH!!!

Nurse: PUSH

Doctor: Congratulations it's a girl

Me: (pass out. completely. )

Doug:um, Tara? Are you ok? (holding newborn daughter on my chest so I didn't drop her since I had passed out)

Nurse: placing oxygen mask over my face

Nurse: there now, that wasn't so bad was it?

Me: (reviving) yes. yes it was. I think someone should be walking in that door with a prize check for a million dollars for me because I had to endure that.

Nurse: but your baby IS the prize

Me: ya, that's not enough. I got two babies WITH epidurals. I want cold hard cash.

Nurse: (walks away huffing in superiority and looking annoyed)

Me: (ohhing and ahhing over my beautiful daughter)

Nurse to Bill the male nurse: well, she sure did make a fuss over that didn't she? In MY day we weren't given the option of epidurals and we did just fine.

Me: ( cursing snotty nurse in head) I still want that check.

C-section?

Nope.

Who delivered?

Aiden- doctor on call at the hospital and some random student nurse. I believe I was "checked" by about 9 different students and possibly a janitor or two.

Owen- random doctor at hospital who nurse yanked in from hallway aided by fascinated student doctor who almost sent me home. Jerk.

Olivia- student doctor with my obstetrician standing next to her in a business suit saying helpful things like "maybe we should give her an episiotime now to be able to stitch that better" jerk, aided by Bill the 50 year old male nurse who had to "help" me shower afterwards while my husband laughed at my embarrassment. True story. Sure, I KNEW he had just witnessed me giving birth. But really, I had never been in a shower with ANYONE other than my very own husband before and it was just plain weird.

All in all I am just so thoroughly happy that I will NEVER have to do that again! Three cheers for tubal ligations!!!


12 comments:

Colleen said...

LOL!
I'm soooo glad its all done for me too! And, I too, had to have my daughter without drugs, after having my son with them, and I too was begging, pleading, and cursing. Oh well. Its all done now!! And at least we can say we did it.
:o)
(not that that makes the lack of drugs worth it)

Robyn said...

Tara I freaking LOVE you. You rock! Go read my answers now!! :D

Jyl said...

What a great Labor Day theme--all the memories without the pain. How awesome is that?

BTW: I am linking here from Following in Her Shoes. Love your cute design. Fun floral paper. I'll have to check back in more often.

Little Missus Sunshine said...

This has got to be one of your best posts! I love it.

BrineS said...

You are invited to:

Name That Chocolate Dessert Contest
September 1 - 13

http://www.thechocolistas.com/2008/09/name-that-chocolate-dessert-fifth.html

First Prize: Hot Chocolate Dress from Emberlish

Second Prize: Chocolate Orange Lil Grubby Candle from The Soap Maker's Shop

Hope to see you there!

Deborah & Colleen
The Chocolistas
thechocolistas.com

Deborah @ Comfort Joy Designs
comfortjoydesigns.blogspot.com

Colleen @ Mommie Daze
mommiedaze.com

Goldtone Designs said...

Absolutely love this post and can TOTALLY relate! lol

Krista said...

ohmygosh Tara... it's a good thing i was done drinking my coffee before i read your blog this morning... i just about choked, it was too funny. you definitely have a way with words :)

Just Me said...

Tara...you are hilarious!! That was the best post EVER!! Made me laugh so hard, I had to run to the bathroom!! Way to go. I might consider doing the same 'meme'..but with five kids/labor/delivery, my post my go on into infinity!

Anonymous said...

good lord, that was pee my pants funny. really. I've never been pregnant, or in labour - guess they go together - but I've heard stories. none of them are as funny and crazy as your little write-up here, what a way with words, TD.
love you,
t in the cap.

Doula Lauren said...

Oh dear. As a Doula this was painful to read. So many things done without care to you or you to care about either. Things could have been so much easier for you with the correct support, shorter labor by 50% (statistically). BTW you're not in labor until you feel the first contraction and pre-labor is braxton hicks. I am sorry you have such horrible memories. Any time you want to talk it out with me please let me know. I can give you fact if you want or just listen, but we know it's not good to hang on to these thoughts for your own health.

Baby Tunnel Exodus said...

This was my first meme, and I have to say out of the entire 249 blogs that linked into it, yours was by far the best one. I laughed out loud. A lot. Thanks and have a blessed day! ~Whitney

Tanya said...

Wow, Tara. I thought I had a wild story to tell, but yours tops anything I've ever heard. So sorry, but that $%%@# nurse was right about one thing: Olivia is a beautiful jewel!

 
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