Heart hurt

First of all, my husband Doug took some wonderful pictures of our family and he has posted them on his blog. I love his pictures!

Second... this was a crazy day.

We took Aiden to the dentist to check on his "adult teeth growing in behind the baby teeth without them falling out" problem. Of course he freaked out so badly that the dentist got about a 2 second look in his mouth and told me we'd have to wiggle the tooth out ourselves.

I suppose the good thing was that he was mad that we weren't going to see his amazing pediatrician. I explained that we were going to the DENTIST and our pediatrician doesn't know how to fix teeth. Aiden did NOT care. I also explained that our pediatrician was in a whole other town. He also didn't care about that.

The poor dentist didn't stand a chance.

My mom went with us to look after Olivia and Owen while I was in with Aiden... then she took us all out to Dairy Queen for a treat.

My kids went NUTS. It SUCKED. Owen threw a fit in the parking lot and I had to CARRY him to the car ... while I was ALSO carrying Olivia so she wouldn't get run over... and you know what? My kid is not small. I have tendonitis in my right arm from my finger tips to shoulder and so I usually hold Olivia with my left arm (which incidently also has the same issue but less seriously). That meant I had to manhandle my almost 50 lb kid with my already sore right arm. It is still in pain.

On the way home Aiden told me to "go in the road and get dead".

Nice eh ?

I do try not let what he says to me hurt my feelings... but it is tough. In my head I KNOW he is stressed out and his anger is part of his "issues" but still, it makes me feel like crap.

And BOY did he get in trouble for that one. Then he was even MORE mad at me. Of course.

This weekend I was thinking about and praying for Aiden and it came to me "What if my son feels like I did when I was in the deepest throws of post partum depression and thyroid craziness?". I mean honestly, if he even feels a small portion of the way I felt during that time then I can completely understand why he is the way he is.

The assessment the school gave me to do and that they did themselves showed that my son has "clinically significant" depression... along with a bunch of other stuff.

But you know what? A six year old should not be depressed. Not at all.

My heart is so very heavy for my sweet little boy. Because you know what? He IS sweet. He IS wonderful and kind and fun and funny and smart and I love him so very much. I HATE that he is suffering. And I really hate that it makes our family life so very stressful.

I know I can't let him get away with the stuff he does- and I don't- but honestly people, if his mind even remotely resembles mine during the darkness then it really isn't his fault. Not at all. I was angry and frustrated. I lashed out at people- mostly my husband. I creid and yelled and felt completely out of control. And even I, as an adult, had a hard time controlling my emotions. How can I expect a six year old to even understand what is going on in his mind never mind control it.

The thing is I really think it was God showing me a tiny bit of what is inside my son's head because I have been praying to understand.

And now I don't know what to do with it.

Aiden has his appointment with the psychiatrist for his assessment on October 3rd. We also meet with the wonderful pediatrician that day. I am truly praying for help for ALL of us.

My son shouldn't have to suffer this way. And honestly I don't know if our family can take it much longer. We can physically move him and pick him up and put him in his room for time outs and take away his toys and when he hits it doesn't hurt that much... but give him a year or two and I don't think I'll be able to physically control him anymore. Give him 5 years and his dad won't be able to either.

We need help now.

And I KNOW his crazy behaviour is negatively affecting Owen and Olivia. Owen imitates Aiden and reacts to how mean Aiden is to him. Owen gets the short end of the stick a LOT. He is such a good kid that he simply does not need as much of our attention. Olivia is still young enough to need a LOT of attention. Plus she is pretty clingy and doesn't respond well (understandably) to the tension surrounding Aiden.

Our home is like a different place when Aiden is at school. Owen and Olivia get a long really well and yes, there are the normal kid issues but for the most part we have a pretty nice time together. And then Aiden comes home. And he has concentrated so hard on being good at school that he just can't keep his emotions together at home. He is so very angry. All the time. The hours between school and bedtime are a nightmare. For all of us.

On the up side he seems to be doing pretty good in school. His teacher tells me that she is pleased with how it is going so far. Yes, there are issues but nothing too serious (other than the running away of course).

My heart hurts.

In other news my mom got her own computer so she reads my blog now (hi mom!). Maybe she will even learn how to comment someday.

Olivia LOVES the Toy Story movies which is very handy since Owen adores them too. Aiden doesn't really watch TV much- he spends most of his time at his Lego table.

So there you have it folks.

Comments

Robyn said…
Glomp. I'm sorry it's all I've got for you. Let me know if you ever need anything.
dddiva said…
Bless your heart honey, I wish I could make it better for you. Your poor family, maybe, hopefully, there is something they can do, maybe there is a chemical imbalance or something that is treatable.
I came over from *SITS* and just wanted to tell you I'm here if you need to talk, just leave a msg on my blog or email me.
I didn't have the same challenges as you do, but I am a great listener and friend and I've been around long enough to know that that's what gets us through.
I am so sorry you are going through all this, and I hate that you have to wait until October 3.

It's just really hard, I know.
Amanda Daybyday said…
First...hugs!
Second...Will wanted to throw me out of our third story window the other day.
Third...I know I can't completely understand what you're going through...but I definitely identify with the easy middle child getting the short end of the stick and the youngest still needing lots of help.
Fourth...our house is very different when Will's not around too...though probably not as much as yours.
Fifth...I'm so sorry you guys are going through this and you're in my prayers (as infrequent as they are). I'm confident that you and Doug will get through this with a pretty amazing kid at the end because that's just the kind of people you are. But I know it sucks now.
Amanda said…
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Outnumbered2to1 said…
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know you don't need unsolicited advice from a stranger, however, have you had him allergy tested? My sister had similar issues when we were younger and we found out she is allergic to a huge list of foods from corn to soy to wheat.

Also, I'd be leary of a school assessment. They claimed my oldest was ADD. After ruling out some things, we found out her hearing was at like 20%. We cleared that up and all the other "symptoms" went away.
Anonymous said…
TD,
Love you heaps.
T in the cap.
Susan said…
Tara:
My son is 11 yrs old and suffers with ADHD. He was in the 4th grade when we finally got an 'official' diagnosis and started him on medication, Concerta. The first 30 days were a tailspinning, head between the legs kinda thing, but, once the meds were established in his body, he was so, so much better. Now, he "reminds" me to get his medication every morning. During one of our many morning conversations over breakfast, he told me that this medication really has helped him to control his temper, and to focus on his school work. His grades have improved and he seems so much more at peace with things, even with others who experience trouble with their tempers, and his grades improved drastically.
I know medication is not always the answer, and I found some very useful information on the Internet regarding ADHD.
I fought the medication for a long time because I really did not like the thought of medicating my son, but now, I wish I had done it sooner, for his sake.
I have tried to cut out sweetners, but, my son told me that it makes things worse, because, then his body just seems to "crave" sugars. And with this medication, he suffers a severe loss of appetite. So, we started him a supplemental boosters because the only other alternative was a medication used in treating high blood pressure and I DID NOT want him to have to take another medication.
Do as much research on treatment options before making any decisions regarding using meds for your son. I still research the subject and try as best as I can, to stay up on the current options available. The Dr. told us, that eventually, our son could outgrow the need for medication and since I have already, slowly, started to modify our eating habits, we are headed in the right direction.
Good luck. I will keep you all in my thoughts.
Susan
Oh bless you Tara-- for seeing things through his little eyes. You are a fabulous mom to be able to disconnect the hurt you feel to feel compassion for what he's doing right now. I'm praying for you!
Tanya said…
Tara, Bless you, sweetie!

You are a brave woman for being so open and transparent about this aspect of your lives. Thank you.

And it tells me how I should pray for you all. God can heal this. Praying for direction and wisdom.

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