Monday, May 05, 2008

Ramblings of my mind

Pin It What can I say... I feel slightly dazed today. Like things are spiralling a little out (ok a lot) out of my control and there is just nothing I can do about it.

The medication switch isn't going as well as I would like it too. I actually stopped one of them because it was making me crazy. So now I am just taking the post-partum antidepressant in decreasing amounts to wean off of it. And the new antidepressant in slowing increasing amounts to get used to it. And my thyroid meds of course. And my asthma medication so I can continue to breath. And anytime I am bothered or upset about anything it just gets blamed on the meds. I kind of hate that.

I think I could use some Valium or some sort of narcotic too.

The pills are making me dreadfully nauseous and last night I had nightmares that I was pregnant again because of it. (I'm NOT pregnant again. I have my tubes tied).

Weaning Olivia is also going very poorly. But my doctor and my husband both believe strongly that it is time for me to quit so there you have it.

The house is all crazy trying to get stuff organized now that my mom lives with us.

It is nice outside now though (albeit a little on the cold side still) so at least we can play outside.

The swimming pool birthday party went very well this weekend. I am not going to put pictures up of it though since it is other people's kids in bathing suits and I don't know if the parents would be ok with that. People seem very stressed out that I put pictures of my kids up on this blog so I doubt they would be ok with me putting up pictures of their kids.

I'm tired and I don't really feel like talking out loud to people. But I keep getting forced to talk. I am surrounded by people who don't understand my need for quiet. They force me to talk by pestering me and never leaving me be and then get annoyed when I say something they don't like.

My kids actually (and a little ironically) are usually the ones who are most accepting of my non-talking times. They are usually content to have me WITH them without actually having to converse. They play, they watch a movie or something and as long as I am watching they are ok with me not talking. They snuggle or hug and smile and are fine with the quiet.

No one else seems ok with it though. I think my silence freaks them out. Like I am super depressed or really angry or about to explode or darkly brooding or something. I'm not. I just don't feel like talking. My brain is processing. Quiet is good for my soul.

I do like writing though. Probably because it is one sided. Like a journal. I don't have to process what someone else is saying while I write. I don't have to worry if they are understanding my words or if I am offending them with what I am saying. I know that plenty of people get annoyed at what I write here but they get way more annoyed with me in person. I get in trouble an awful lot no matter what I do it seems. And at least with a blog it isn't immediate.

And why is it that blogging is not a legitimate use of my time? Why is it considered wasting my time? How come the things I LOVE to do- writing my thoughts and reading other people's life stories- are considered time wasters or laziness? It is helping me keep sane.

It seems to me that everyone around me thinks they know better than I do what I SHOULD be doing with my time. I should be socializing more since I am too much of a hermit. I should be exercising more since I am too fat. I should be cleaning the house more since it is too disorganized. I should have a firmer schedule with the kids. I should teach my kids more. Read to them more. Take care of myself better. Do my devotions more. Breastfeed less. Blog less. Stay off the computer more. Read less. Take less medication. Talk more. Keep everything more organized. Smile more. Stand up straight. Eat healthier. Have a more updated hairstyle. Get nicer clothes. Listen to more sermons. Be more involved in the church and community. Make my own hand crafted gifts to save money. Wear make up. Do more yard work. Paint my house inside and out. Decorate my children's rooms in fun kid themes. Keep the kitchen clean and clutter free. Wash the windows. Dust.

The list goes on and on and on.

Not that I'm saying those aren't good things. I'm just saying that where I am in my life right now I can't be who everyone wants me to be.

I find my children wonderfully accepting of who I am. They are demanding of my time and energy but they don't need me to be someone else. They are happy with me just the way I am. They are happy that I give them lots of hugs and kisses. They are happy that I am with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They are happy that I teach them bible stories in children's church. They are happy that I read stories to them. They are happy that I let them have time to themselves to play. I love my kids. I love how perfectly accepting they are of me in all my imperfect splendour.

I think God is ok with me too.

8 comments:

Amanda Daybyday said...

Hugs!!!!

We all feel like we need to be better. Okay, I guess I shouldn't say that...I feel like I need to be better. A lot.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

Surely God is OK with you.

Noticing the children's uncondditional acceptance of you is a healthy way to get through a time of "too many marbles" in your head,

Our society is way too demanding, especially of Moms.

And this blog entry is a well written piece on a challenging day in the life of an introvert. Thanks for your research on intoverts and sharing it on your blog a while back.

Your blog is healing and educational and network-building, and points us toward spriritual growth. So that is one of your creative choices. And I thank you for it.

And as for meds, you are the pilot of your health, your body is unique - others can only guess. Be very good to yourself in every transition, and keep researching, as the health professionals cannot keep up with info.

And as for criticism - OUCH. I can say ouch now some of the time, and can get some of the people close to me to say ouch. It creates a learning opportunity, quite useful. When you were going to high school, society changed so dramatically toward criticism and hurtful comments, as if it was "cool". We have not recovered, but I hope we do. Good for you to blog about it. Keep stirring the pot for kindness to re-emerge.

Love you much.

G. on the coast

Robyn said...

People need to leave you alone. You are (realtively speaking) healthy & happy, as are your children. Who cares about the mess, if you are taking care of your most precious things in life. Every single person is different. They need to know that what works for them/what they do, just is NOT for you!! Or whatever. I'm sure you know what I mean. I hope your day gets better, and people quit talking to you!! Sorry about school, BTW. I had too much coffee. :)

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said...

Tara, I hope that you're feeling better today. I know that dazed, spiraling out of control feeling though and it's not a fun one.

Oh and I think blogging is definitely a legitimate use of time. And I tell my hubby so at least once a day. :)

Joy T. said...

Followed you over from That Chick because I noticed you were from Canada too. And I always make a point to always say hi to a fellow Canadian blogger :o) Sorry this is a down day though. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it's over flowing. Your post was beautifully written and I hope it helped to write things down. Hang in there!

Tara said...

If it's any consolation, I totally understand how you must be feeling. I had very scary PPD and used to blog about it when things were at their worst. I hope that you find some comfort in your change of meds. Another thing which I can't recommend enough of to all moms...exercise and time for you. I just got back from the gym tonight (had to force myself to go) but it truly helps what with the natural serotonins. I know that it's hard to get away for a cardiovascular jog, whatever, but it might be what you need?

At any rate,I hope that you feel better soon, Tah-rah! :)

Blessings,
Tah-rah

imbeingheldhostage said...

This is a brilliant post Tara, and is much like the ones that drew me to you to begin with-- I love your honesty.
I won't tell you what to do... but if I were going to, ;-)I'd agree with your very last sentence and then remind you that you to do what you can, the rest just isn't as important.

Colleen said...

Pretty much exactly what imbeingheldhostage said and zee others too. You are loved and accepted absolutely by God and by the people who matter the most to you. It can't get better than that. The rest if fluff stuff.



(P.S. I don't have kidlins and I can't imagine where I'd get the time to make curtains and fluff stuff like that if I did. xo)

 
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