What can I say... I feel slightly dazed today. Like things are spiralling a little out (ok a lot) out of my control and there is just nothing I can do about it.
The medication switch isn't going as well as I would like it too. I actually stopped one of them because it was making me crazy. So now I am just taking the post-partum antidepressant in decreasing amounts to wean off of it. And the new antidepressant in slowing increasing amounts to get used to it. And my thyroid meds of course. And my asthma medication so I can continue to breath. And anytime I am bothered or upset about anything it just gets blamed on the meds. I kind of hate that.
I think I could use some Valium or some sort of narcotic too.
The pills are making me dreadfully nauseous and last night I had nightmares that I was pregnant again because of it. (I'm NOT pregnant again. I have my tubes tied).
Weaning Olivia is also going very poorly. But my doctor and my husband both believe strongly that it is time for me to quit so there you have it.
The house is all crazy trying to get stuff organized now that my mom lives with us.
It is nice outside now though (albeit a little on the cold side still) so at least we can play outside.
The swimming pool birthday party went very well this weekend. I am not going to put pictures up of it though since it is other people's kids in bathing suits and I don't know if the parents would be ok with that. People seem very stressed out that I put pictures of my kids up on this blog so I doubt they would be ok with me putting up pictures of their kids.
I'm tired and I don't really feel like talking out loud to people. But I keep getting forced to talk. I am surrounded by people who don't understand my need for quiet. They force me to talk by pestering me and never leaving me be and then get annoyed when I say something they don't like.
My kids actually (and a little ironically) are usually the ones who are most accepting of my non-talking times. They are usually content to have me WITH them without actually having to converse. They play, they watch a movie or something and as long as I am watching they are ok with me not talking. They snuggle or hug and smile and are fine with the quiet.
No one else seems ok with it though. I think my silence freaks them out. Like I am super depressed or really angry or about to explode or darkly brooding or something. I'm not. I just don't feel like talking. My brain is processing. Quiet is good for my soul.
I do like writing though. Probably because it is one sided. Like a journal. I don't have to process what someone else is saying while I write. I don't have to worry if they are understanding my words or if I am offending them with what I am saying. I know that plenty of people get annoyed at what I write here but they get way more annoyed with me in person. I get in trouble an awful lot no matter what I do it seems. And at least with a blog it isn't immediate.
And why is it that blogging is not a legitimate use of my time? Why is it considered wasting my time? How come the things I LOVE to do- writing my thoughts and reading other people's life stories- are considered time wasters or laziness? It is helping me keep sane.
It seems to me that everyone around me thinks they know better than I do what I SHOULD be doing with my time. I should be socializing more since I am too much of a hermit. I should be exercising more since I am too fat. I should be cleaning the house more since it is too disorganized. I should have a firmer schedule with the kids. I should teach my kids more. Read to them more. Take care of myself better. Do my devotions more. Breastfeed less. Blog less. Stay off the computer more. Read less. Take less medication. Talk more. Keep everything more organized. Smile more. Stand up straight. Eat healthier. Have a more updated hairstyle. Get nicer clothes. Listen to more sermons. Be more involved in the church and community. Make my own hand crafted gifts to save money. Wear make up. Do more yard work. Paint my house inside and out. Decorate my children's rooms in fun kid themes. Keep the kitchen clean and clutter free. Wash the windows. Dust.
The list goes on and on and on.
Not that I'm saying those aren't good things. I'm just saying that where I am in my life right now I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
I find my children wonderfully accepting of who I am. They are demanding of my time and energy but they don't need me to be someone else. They are happy with me just the way I am. They are happy that I give them lots of hugs and kisses. They are happy that I am with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They are happy that I teach them bible stories in children's church. They are happy that I read stories to them. They are happy that I let them have time to themselves to play. I love my kids. I love how perfectly accepting they are of me in all my imperfect splendour.
I think God is ok with me too.