Sometimes I know exactly how to speak the thoughts in my heart. Sometimes I am a pretty decent communicator. Sometimes I can write rather eloquently and descriptively.
And sometimes I have no idea what I am thinking or how to express it.
This is one of those times.
My head feels absolutely FULL. So full that the thoughts are all running into each other like a room full of preschoolers hyped up on red kool-aid and refined sugar products.
Here is an example of my thought processes today:
Tonight is registration night for swimming lessons. I have to find the boys swimming report cards from last year to figure out what level to register them in this year. And money. I have to find some money. Last summer it was pretty cold the week of swimming lessons. And windy. It is windy today. But not as windy as a tornado. I can't believe there are places in the states that have had 900 tornadoes already this year! Scary. I haven't seen The Wizard of Oz in forever. Toto had an excellent song that I used to love- Africa. My friend Carl and his wife moved to Africa to work for a wonderful charity. They have three kids too. I wonder if Michelle is as stressed as I am today. I went to high school youth group with Carl. I never thought I would be where I am today back in high school. I was slim in high school. But I thought I was fat. Now I really AM fat. I had no idea what fat was. I wonder if I will be fat forever. Forever is a long time. Wouldn't it be cool if the rapture happened today and I never had to clean my house or try to find clothes that fit or listen to another tantrum ever again? I am going to be really disappointed if I don't get to sleep a LOT in heaven. If there even is a heaven. Maybe its more like a cosmic work camp of some sort. No. There is a heaven. I'm sure its very nice. I'm not feeling very nice today.
See. Very random. And all those thoughts happen in about 3 seconds.
Very hard to control such random thoughts.
And I feel angry.
My sons are grounded to their room this evening because they were so absolutely brutal to me today. I have been called names, yelled at, had stuff thrown at me, they hit each other, knocked their sister over, and been generally awful today. I don't know why. Just to make my day I'm sure. It's likely my fault. Or so I've been told anyway. You know the "they are probably just sensing how you are feeling and reacting to you" line of reasoning. Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. I already know that everything is my fault, I don't need the reminder.
And as far as I can tell my feelings are not considered valid these days. And that also makes me angry.
And no, I do not have PMS.
It could be my hormones. It could be my thyroid. It could be all the medication switches in my body right now. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I have some valid concerns that are being completely ignored and it is driving my insane.
Or maybe I am just overtired.
And I would just like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I write this blog for me. For my own personal outlet. If you don't like me or my blog you don't have to read it. Please refrain from giving me unhelpful advice such as "that is not how a pastor's wife should feel". I know that already. And yet, here I am. So what can you do.
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