Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Anger

Pin It Sometimes I know exactly how to speak the thoughts in my heart. Sometimes I am a pretty decent communicator. Sometimes I can write rather eloquently and descriptively.

And sometimes I have no idea what I am thinking or how to express it.

This is one of those times.

My head feels absolutely FULL. So full that the thoughts are all running into each other like a room full of preschoolers hyped up on red kool-aid and refined sugar products.

Here is an example of my thought processes today:

Tonight is registration night for swimming lessons. I have to find the boys swimming report cards from last year to figure out what level to register them in this year. And money. I have to find some money. Last summer it was pretty cold the week of swimming lessons. And windy. It is windy today. But not as windy as a tornado. I can't believe there are places in the states that have had 900 tornadoes already this year! Scary. I haven't seen The Wizard of Oz in forever. Toto had an excellent song that I used to love- Africa. My friend Carl and his wife moved to Africa to work for a wonderful charity. They have three kids too. I wonder if Michelle is as stressed as I am today. I went to high school youth group with Carl. I never thought I would be where I am today back in high school. I was slim in high school. But I thought I was fat. Now I really AM fat. I had no idea what fat was. I wonder if I will be fat forever. Forever is a long time. Wouldn't it be cool if the rapture happened today and I never had to clean my house or try to find clothes that fit or listen to another tantrum ever again? I am going to be really disappointed if I don't get to sleep a LOT in heaven. If there even is a heaven. Maybe its more like a cosmic work camp of some sort. No. There is a heaven. I'm sure its very nice. I'm not feeling very nice today.

See. Very random. And all those thoughts happen in about 3 seconds.

Very hard to control such random thoughts.

And I feel angry.

My sons are grounded to their room this evening because they were so absolutely brutal to me today. I have been called names, yelled at, had stuff thrown at me, they hit each other, knocked their sister over, and been generally awful today. I don't know why. Just to make my day I'm sure. It's likely my fault. Or so I've been told anyway. You know the "they are probably just sensing how you are feeling and reacting to you" line of reasoning. Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. I already know that everything is my fault, I don't need the reminder.

And as far as I can tell my feelings are not considered valid these days. And that also makes me angry.

And no, I do not have PMS.

It could be my hormones. It could be my thyroid. It could be all the medication switches in my body right now. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I have some valid concerns that are being completely ignored and it is driving my insane.

Or maybe I am just overtired.

And I would just like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I write this blog for me. For my own personal outlet. If you don't like me or my blog you don't have to read it. Please refrain from giving me unhelpful advice such as "that is not how a pastor's wife should feel". I know that already. And yet, here I am. So what can you do.

10 comments:

failure to thrive said...

Dear Tara,
I can TOTALLY relate to you today. I am having a totally crappy week. ANd Christians are making it worse. I've come to the conclusion that non-Christians are easier to be around. They don't make demands and expectations that I can't live up to, they don't expect me to always be happy, to never struggle. they are understanding, they care about me and they don't punish me. they don't wait for me to screw up so they can tell me how wrong i am.
Yep, crappy week. I've given up on christians, and I've given up on church.

my heart goes out to you. I know how you feel.

Amanda Daybyday said...

Willem's been insufferable today too. Seriously...early bedtime tonight. Like any minute early.

Pastor's wives are just people. Plain old people. They are not super human or super holy. I know you know that. I know you know I know that. Just wanted to say it anyways.

Jenn said...

Oh Tara, I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I hate the unfair expectations that people put onto pastor's wives. You are, as your blog puts it: imperfect. But we all are. We mothers have too much guilt about the way we are parenting and I know that I often wonder how my atttitude negatively affects my kids. But you are not alone!

Grateful Gramma said...

I can pray, Tara, and so I did.

kelle said...

I'm praying for you and I'm sending hugs your way!!

Robyn said...

*giant hug*!!! Hope I was able to relive some of your grrr-ness today! The boys had a BLAST playing, and Anson was most upset he went to ball, instead of staying behind & playing. We'll have to get them together sometime soon!! They can hang out in the yard, & eat ginormous freezies! And us (& Liv, of course) can hide inside & eat more PB & Banana ice cream!! YUM! Hope you have a better night!!
~R

Amanda said...

yeah I hear you sometimes my thoughts are crazy, and I feel completely ignored. I love the blog so that we can get this out of our head. Thanks for being real it makes me feel good that I am not the only one feeling this way.

Anonymous said...

Why is there no room in this culture for down days, lousy days, days when everything could be improved?

Give this woman a break and a hug.

Happy Mothers Day could be everyday, with lots of listening.

And weaning, or the thought of weaning, is still in your mix somewhere. That is a big delicate transition that takes a whil, and a lot of resources and creativity.

And hormones - how to get back to feeling good enough in spite of whatever self made or pharma chemicals are floating around.

The best I can do is remember to keep breading deeply once in a while and untense my shoulders. Once or twice I have faked a laugh until it seemed funny to do that- hard to remember and I have not trained anyone around not to think I'm crazy, that this is a health technique.

Maybe it's just another time with too many marbles in the head.

Shine on. You are so loved. It sucks to feel alone in a challenge.

Love, G. on the coast

Amber said...

This is EXACTLY how all mothers feel at some point, if not often!!I don't care if you're a pastor's wife or not. You are a mother, so it is perfectly normal. Somebody somewhere once said that if you think Parenting is easy, You're doing it wrong. We all have these days so you are NOT ALONE. Take some time for you today. Take a walk or have a nice bath. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun is bound to shine sometime.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Tara, that is not how a pastor's wife should feel... HAH! Like those words could ever come out of my mouth! Your 3-seconds of randomness? That's how my brain works ALL OF THE TIME, so I was thoroughly enjoying the subject skipping. Wish my husband spoke the same language as you.

But seriously, don't be hard on yourself-- you have SO much on your plate right now and are amazing the way you handle it. It's ok to not be Patty Perfect and we all like you so much better because you're real with real feelings.
Hugs from here to there!!!

 
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