Well... I am starting to feel rather desperate to help my son cope with school and life in general. I am actually starting to consider homeschooling. I never thought I would say that. But I will do what it takes.
Here's the thing... I am TERRIFIED to homeschool. Truly terrified. I have had postpartum depression basically for the past 5 years. I struggle with keeping up to my household responsibilities as it is, never mind adding teaching to the mix.
And I have NO idea how to teach. I have absolutely NO clue how to teach a kid to read... or anything else for that matter. And I am not very creative when it comes to kid's stuff. I wish I was. But I am not.
And the depression seriously messes with me... the way I think of myself and my own abilities. I really doubt that I am even capable of homeschooling. And how do homeschool moms handle the knowledge that they are NEVER going to have a break? Ever?
I have been dreaming about the days when all of my kids will be in school and I will have time to do things like clean, organize, SLEEP, read a book, take a shower without my kids coming in every two minutes to ask me a question.
And honestly I feel sad at the thought of giving up that dream. I know that is selfish. But it has been a lifeline to me for the past 5 years. The knowledge that SOMEDAY I would have time to myself. Because I am an introvert at heart. I love quiet. I love to just wrap up in a cozy blanket, drink tea and read a book for hours at a time. I love being able to clean and have things STAY clean for a couple of hours. I am also a natural homebody. I truly LIKE being at home. I know that part of that is because of the depression but honestly I was pretty much a homebody before I had kids too.
The crazy thing is I LOVED school. I mean I REALLY adored school. I loved most things about it. I did well at school for the most part. I would have been absolutely devastated if my mom had taken me out of school. So part of me feels really guilty about taking away that joy from my son. But then again he doesn't love school the way I did.
I don't know. Homeschooling just seems plain HARD. And I am already so exhausted. I mean seriously... postpartum depression and thyroid issues don't exactly lend themselves to an excess of energy.
And what about Owen? Do I keep him in school since he seems to really enjoy it and isn't having any problems? What if he decides he doesn't want to go if Aiden doesn't go? That is what happened with Awana Kid's club at church. Aiden just couldn't handle it so we took him out. Owen loved it but refuses to go unless Aiden goes. So now Owen misses out on something he really loved because Aiden couldn't manage it. That doesn't seem fair.
I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know.
I WILL do what my son needs. Even if it means homeschooling. I just hope I wouldn't screw him up more.
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