What do you mean I'm not perfect?

Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon I had so much fun playing in the leaves with my son Owen. He just loves the leaves and he is so incredibly sweet. Even Shadow the cat joined in our fun. I have scattered some pictures of our fun throughout this post.

I will admit this has been a tough few days.

As most of you know there has been a bit of controversy over my blog... I won't go into details but basically- as far as I can tell- it is too much ME. And for those of you who know me I am not exactly the TYPICAL pastor's wife. Sadly, many people WANT the typical pastor's wife. Anyway, to make a long story short... not everyone likes me.

I know.


(not really)

I haven't ever really FIT in church culture. Most of the time that is ok with me. But hey, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it sometimes hurts.

The other difficulty with me is that I am a natural homebody. Its not that I don't like people, I do. And I used to be significantly more social than I am now... before I had kids. But kids changed me. Now... to be fair it isn't my kids fault that my thyroid went all whacky and now my energy levels just simply aren't what they used to be. Thyroid dysfunction is a lifelong issue but my specialist told me that I can expect to start feeling better 2-3 years after my last child is born. Pregnancy really screws with my body. And my thyroid screws with my sanity.

So basically I feel tired and a little frazzled all the time. But hey, what mom of 3 kids DOESN'T feel tired and frazzled all the time?

Like I have told you all before I get easily overwhelmed trying to take my 3 kids anywhere. What can I say? I find it stressful. And when I am stressed, they get stressed. And that just makes it worse. For everyone.

And my son Aiden is extremely sensitive to change ... actually he is extremely sensitive to everything. But change is especially hard for him. What can be a simple outing for my son Owen can be completely traumatizing for Aiden. And I just can't deal with that all the time.

So I stay home. And everything goes a lot smoother for all of us. Being allowed my space makes me a better person. And allowing Aiden to have structures, surroundings, and routines that he is familiar with help make his days happier... and in turn help make our family run smoother.

I realize that many people would like me to go out more, to be more social, to do visitation with my husband, to participate in all sorts of activities... but I honestly just can't at this point in my life. Please don't take it personally. It's not that I don't like you. I just really like my sanity.

All that to say I have been feeling a little... um... judged for my lack of "pastor's wife" abilities.

I guess God isn't through teaching me yet.

A girl in Aiden's class made him a "love" card today. Here he is holding his very first love card from a girl...

Today Aiden ran away from school again. I have to tell you all that the sight of my firstborn baby running in my door with tears streaming down his face, shaking and sobbing about how much he doesn't want to go to school... it just tore me apart.

This time he took off right from his classroom. His teacher ran after him but couldn't leave her whole class alone so she sent a helper after him. The helper followed him home and then offered to take him back to school. In the two minutes between Aiden's arrival home and the helpers arrival at my door his teacher had already called and explained the situation. So I walked my sweet boy back to school. By the time we got there (about 2 blocks away) he was skipping and happy to be there. We got to his classroom and he apologized to his teacher, sat down at his table and ate his snack. No problem. I left. Still no problem. Go figure.

That is the crazy thing about this situation. Aiden actually DOES like school. Its just when he gets frustrated over something that he can't handle it all of a sudden and feels he NEEDS to be home. (Like mother like son I guess)

But oh how it hurts my heart to see him struggling.

His wonderful teacher and I decided that it is time to call in some extra help from the resource people that work with his school. I'm glad. I want this to be a good experience for him AND for his poor teacher.

I really must tell you all what a blessing it is to have Corrie as my son's teacher. I have prayed for a long time that Aiden would have good teachers who love him and try to understand him and work with him. And God totally answered my prayers with Corrie. She really is wonderful.

Tonight we are supposed to go to the Awana kids club at church. Owen had a nap this afternoon after he got home from pre-kindergarten so he should be good to go. I have told Aiden he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to. But he says he does want to go. I think I will end up going as well to make sure he doesn't run away from there too. It is a little hard because the clubs happen later at night than what my kids are used to... they go to bed pretty early usually because they are both extremely early risers. And yes, they get up early no matter how late they go to bed.

I must say though that we may end up having to quit clubs if it makes school unbearable the next day. We'll see.

So that is my life right now.

Here are some more cute pictures for your enjoyment...

That is my mom in the tree with Owen... gotta love a grandma who is willing to climb trees with you!


kelle said…
Tara! My heart is breaking for you! You and your family are in my prayers. I really hope that things get smoother for you guys.
Kelli said…
Transparency and honesty will minister to more people than forced compliance and feigned interest.

God finishes with us the day we go home.

So, in the meantime, hold your head high and be the support your family needs.

And know there are thousands of us out there in those trenches with you.
Rachelle said…
Tara, I love your pictures! And I know what you mean about not being the "typical" pastor's wife. I often feel that I do not live up to everyone's expectations or up to the level that the last pastor's wives have lived at. I like being at home, and I like being with my kids, and right now that's about all I can handle a lot of the time! Don't feel alone!
Moose said…
(((HUGS))) I hope no one discourages you from being you. After all, God made you as you!
Anonymous said…
tara dawn.
mon dieu, I love you. dont change. and know that loads of people other than me love you exactly as you are, too. stay at home, dont smile and agree when you cant, and spend all the time with your kids that you want.
XOX teresa.
Shash said…
I've been following along via Pam's blog (she was my sister's pw for years).

My hubby had it out with the congregation this year over their expectations for us as a couple and especially me as the wife of the Pastor (not the church's wife). Thankfully we have more new Christians than churched people so they seem to listen faster... I had a small melt down that caused him to take action but I'm glad he did although I was rather embarassed but glad he came to my rescue.

We're not part of a board lead church or a denomination so there's no fear of backlash or control from a few loud and creaky cm's with far too much time on their hands. (church deacon/elder boards aren't biblical anyways... but that's whole other fun post)
I hope Pam got my email, and forwarded it to you. I'd like to know if you got it, or not. It's sad you feel "YOU" has to be justified by listing why you do the things you do, or why things are the way they are in your life. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have my love, prayers and support!
Amanda Franks said…
I just echo what everyone has said, the most important thing you are is you, then Doug's wife, then the mother of your children. So you need to take care of what needs to be done in that order and people really need to understand that. I hope that you're doing all right and am praying for you, thanks again for your honesty you've already given me so much just by being you!
Judy said…
Oh, Tara.

I am SO glad that you can see that you are doing exactly what God has asked you to do.

Your children will be small for such a short amount of time. Although, once mine grew up, I found that I still like being home best.

Sometimes I wonder if that isn't what is wrong with the world. People wanting to be 'out there' when the true reality of living happens in the home. Homes that cost more than ever and sit empty for most of the day.

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