I am feeling out of sorts today. In other words... I am grumpy. Now I am not saying I have no reason for feeling this way. I do. But that doesn't mean I get to act as miserably as I would like to. I would just love to have an all out tantrum, complete with kicking and throwing things.
Unfortunately for me I know that really, my life is not so bad and I am really not that hard done by. I have much to be thankful for. But have you ever noticed that just because you know something to be true it doesn't always make you feel better in the moment of present angst? So the tricky part for me is treating people (including my kids) how God wants me to and not how I, in my selfishness, would like to treat them.
Many of you know that I had some pretty serious post-partum depression after I had my boys. God has graciously answered my prayers with Olivia and I have been spared that nightmare thus far. Anyway, I remember one time when Owen was only a couple weeks old and Aiden was 18 months and we lived on the 13th story of a massive apartment building in Hamilton. I was so overwhelmed that I really wanted to hurt my kids, or myself. I called Doug at work and he rushed home and found all three of us in tears. I had put the boys in their cribs and closed their doors and then I went and huddled under the covers in bed and just cried. Partly because I felt so depressed and partly because I was so afraid and ashamed for the way I had thought about hurting my kids and myself. (For those of you who don't know I did get help and I never ended up hurting my kids or myself.) But the point is if I treated people however I feel at the time we would all be in a lot of trouble.
I remind myself to notice and acknowledge the gifts God gives me everyday. My Grandma (another pastor's wife) used to tell me to "count my blessings" and then she would sing the old hymn by that name (count your blessings... name them one by one ... see what the Lord has done...). So in my grumpy-ness right now I am going to thank God for my blessings. Starting with my sweet Olivia's baby smile.
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